Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
