Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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