It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
