I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
