Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
