We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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