Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
