Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have surprise drugs for everyone
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
