Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
