The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I smell like Dick and happiness
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