yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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