OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
