You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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