Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
