Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
