So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
