why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
