the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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