I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize