i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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