I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
