Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
