After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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