I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
