Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
