Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
