Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
