I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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