Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
