did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
