if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
