I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
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you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
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He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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