whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
