I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
