Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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