Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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