***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
