If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Dear god my vagina.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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