the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
