just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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