Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
