is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
