she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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