i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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