Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm like, not good at living.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
