Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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