you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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