She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
