i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
