ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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