omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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