I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
