So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
