I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
