I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Randomize
