I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
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To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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