I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
