Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
