Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
