there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Alive.
So much puke
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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