I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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